Wednesday, February 21, 2018

2018 Goals Part 4: Improve My Self-Confidence in All Aspects of My Life




Oh, now this one’s the tough one. A lifelong issue made worse through my constant lack of trust in myself to make the right decisions, especially at the right time. I am soooo insecure and it’s become gross. This issue has affected my career, my relationships, and my ability to create and maintain friendships. It has prevented me from moving forward or letting go of many things in my life, and it’s past due time to change that.

I’m not completely sure where it all stems from. I suppose I can partially blame it on an alcoholic father who became verbally abusive when he drank, though fortunately he was only home on weekends so we probably didn’t get the full effect of his mistreatment. I’m sure the death of one of my best friends at the age of fifteen didn’t help. I have two other theories as well:

1. Perfectionism

My perfectionism emerges most obviously as the comparison of myself to others. “Harry’s painting is so awesome, and mine looks like two birds shit all over a windshield.” “Susie has rock hard abs. She’s naturally beautiful and has a sparkling, go-getter personality. She’s also very kind. Oh no, my boyfriend’s going to drop me as soon as he talks to her!” It doesn’t matter that Harry’s been working on his technique for over 20 years or that Susie has been working out five days a week for the past 3 years (and may have been blessed with certain other traits or attributes from the start) to get that hot bod. I should be able to do that/look like this now.

So maybe more importantly, being a perfectionist causes me to berate myself for not being better. If I’m not perfect, which I consciously realize is impossible, then I have failed. If I ran my best mile, I could have run faster or longer or done it in world record time.

Strangely, my experience with perfectionism has most often played out as a form of mental paralysis. Where other perfectionists are overachieving and still believing they come up short, I have tended to avoid doing anything at all if I don’t believe I can be the best or at least know how to do it well on my first try. I haven’t wanted to put in the work if I won’t ultimately be able to achieve something close to perfection. If I do something well, I tend to write it off as, “anyone could have done that.” I used to pride myself on being a “jack of all trades,” but now I understand that I just never allowed myself to master a one.

2. Overthinking

My mind never shuts down completely. Most often, I’m worried or anxious about something I’ve said or done (or not done). For instance, I’ll replay an event repeatedly in my mind to analyze how it could have turned out if I had done this or that differently. Even simple decisions become more complicated because I want to weigh out every possible scenario in my mind before I take action. The uncertainties of life cripple me. I constantly second-guess myself or play out “what-if” scenarios in my mind, typically ones with negative outcomes. My inner critic kicks my ass on a daily basis.

I think coming up with such theories is extremely helpful in understanding what’s brought you to a certain place. At some point, though, you have to take responsibility for the fact that you’re almost 38 years old and you’re still letting these issues, particularly ones related to the past, hold you back. We can’t change what has happened to us, or the mistakes we've made along the way, but we can always strive to be better, to do better, for ourselves and for the other people we choose to allow into our lives.

I’ve been thinking a lot about ways in which I can overcome these confidence and self-esteem issues, and slay my insecurity. I feel like I’m halfway there. I believe half the battle is in consciously understanding yourself and where things are going wrong or holding you back. Only then can you create an action plan for moving forward. I’m not sure I know exactly everything I need to move forward yet, but I have some basic ideas for where I can start:

  • Write more. It has always helped me discover and re-discover myself and it makes me feel accomplished because I’m always referring to myself as a writer, but I’ve been a wannabe for a very long time. I’d like to ultimately write fiction, but for now, my renewed blog is helping me make writing a habit.
  • Read more. I used to read all the time. A lot of fiction and non-fiction. I think I need to get back to this. I’d like to read some classics and teach myself some new things. Maybe I’ll read some self-help guru type of stuff. The goal is to to keep my mind distracted on something positive.
  • Pep Talks. Ted Talks? YouTubes? Dave Ramsey podcasts? There are different perspectives out there for everything. I know none of these things can make the change, but I’ve found that you sometimes need some little piece of advice at the right time and it ends up setting you off on a new journey.
  • Keep putting myself out there. I need to take small risks so I can gain a bit of confidence to work up to the bigger ones. Sometimes I’d like to be that person who jumps right in without a second thought, but baby steps for now. I have to learn to trust myself first.

Getting healthier and stronger, plus continuing to meet new people through my Meetup adventures, should also go a long way in helping me feel like myself again, or better yet, becoming the person I’m meant to be.

No comments: