Oh, now this one’s the tough one. A lifelong issue made
worse through my constant lack of trust in myself to make the right decisions,
especially at the right time. I am soooo insecure and it’s become gross. This
issue has affected my career, my relationships, and my ability to create and
maintain friendships. It has prevented me from moving forward or letting go of
many things in my life, and it’s past due time to change that.
I’m not completely sure where it all stems from. I suppose I
can partially blame it on an alcoholic father who became verbally abusive when
he drank, though fortunately he was only home on weekends so we probably didn’t
get the full effect of his mistreatment. I’m sure the death of one of my best
friends at the age of fifteen didn’t help. I have two other theories as well:
1. Perfectionism
My perfectionism emerges most obviously as the comparison of
myself to others. “Harry’s painting is so awesome, and mine looks like two birds
shit all over a windshield.” “Susie has rock hard abs. She’s naturally beautiful
and has a sparkling, go-getter personality. She’s also very kind. Oh no, my
boyfriend’s going to drop me as soon as he talks to her!” It doesn’t matter
that Harry’s been working on his technique for over 20 years or that Susie has
been working out five days a week for the past 3 years (and may have been
blessed with certain other traits or attributes from the start) to get that hot
bod. I should be able to do that/look like this now.
So maybe more importantly, being a perfectionist causes me
to berate myself for not being better. If I’m not perfect, which I consciously
realize is impossible, then I have failed. If I ran my best mile, I could have
run faster or longer or done it in world record time.
Strangely, my experience with perfectionism has most often
played out as a form of mental paralysis. Where other perfectionists are
overachieving and still believing they come up short, I have tended to avoid
doing anything at all if I don’t believe I can be the best or at least know how
to do it well on my first try. I haven’t wanted to put in the work if I won’t
ultimately be able to achieve something close to perfection. If I do something
well, I tend to write it off as, “anyone could have done that.” I used to pride
myself on being a “jack of all trades,” but now I understand that I just never
allowed myself to master a one.
2. Overthinking
My mind never shuts down completely. Most often, I’m worried
or anxious about something I’ve said or done (or not done). For instance, I’ll
replay an event repeatedly in my mind to analyze how it could have turned out if
I had done this or that differently. Even simple decisions become more
complicated because I want to weigh out every possible scenario in my mind
before I take action. The uncertainties of life cripple me. I constantly
second-guess myself or play out “what-if” scenarios in my mind, typically ones
with negative outcomes. My inner critic kicks my ass on a daily basis.
I think coming up with such theories is extremely helpful in
understanding what’s brought you to a certain place. At some point, though, you
have to take responsibility for the fact that you’re almost 38 years old and
you’re still letting these issues, particularly ones related to the past, hold
you back. We can’t change what has happened to us, or the mistakes we've made along the way, but we can always strive to be better, to do better, for
ourselves and for the other people we choose to allow into our lives.
I’ve been thinking a lot about ways in which I can overcome these
confidence and self-esteem issues, and slay my insecurity. I feel like I’m halfway
there. I believe half the battle is in consciously understanding yourself and
where things are going wrong or holding you back. Only then can you create an
action plan for moving forward. I’m not sure I know exactly everything I need
to move forward yet, but I have some basic ideas for where I can start:
- Write more. It has always helped me discover and re-discover myself and it makes me feel accomplished because I’m always referring to myself as a writer, but I’ve been a wannabe for a very long time. I’d like to ultimately write fiction, but for now, my renewed blog is helping me make writing a habit.
- Read more. I used to read all the time. A lot of fiction and non-fiction. I think I need to get back to this. I’d like to read some classics and teach myself some new things. Maybe I’ll read some self-help guru type of stuff. The goal is to to keep my mind distracted on something positive.
- Pep Talks. Ted Talks? YouTubes? Dave Ramsey podcasts? There are different perspectives out there for everything. I know none of these things can make the change, but I’ve found that you sometimes need some little piece of advice at the right time and it ends up setting you off on a new journey.
- Keep putting myself out there. I need to take small risks so I can gain a bit of confidence to work up to the bigger ones. Sometimes I’d like to be that person who jumps right in without a second thought, but baby steps for now. I have to learn to trust myself first.
Getting healthier and stronger, plus continuing to meet new
people through my Meetup adventures, should also go a long way in helping me
feel like myself again, or better yet, becoming the person I’m meant to be.
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