2018 Goals Part 5: Find a Job That Makes Me Feel Valued and Pays Me What I’m Worth Part 2

I recently applied for a new position at work. It was related to my current department, but still different enough to where I would be able to learn something new and keep things interesting. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the specific software experience they were hoping for in this role, so in the end they decided to go with someone who did (external, of course).

In this case, I can understand their reasoning. It was a payroll position, and we have recently grown at an incredible rate, so they wanted someone whom they felt could jump right in and know what they are doing without needing much in the way of training. My counterargument had been that an outside person is still going to have to learn the ways of the company, its people, and all its other nuances, but in the end, that specific payroll knowledge was more important.

I can’t say I’m surprised. I pretty much realized a long time ago that this job is most likely never going to give me the chance to fly. I hate to sound like a downer there, but this isn’t the first time I’ve been overlooked, and I’ve had multiple people tell me they thought I was an underutilized resource around there. Additionally, I’ve done everything they’ve ever asked of me, as well as taken on new things on my own (been proactive), like “leadership development” projects and classes and achieving my MBA, and I still can’t seem to convince anyone to give me a chance to try something different.

I’m certainly not perfect. I have room for improvement, as we all do. For example, I don’t always interview well, and I admit it’s hard for me to toot my own horn. Realistically, that’s kind of what you have to do sometimes in order to stand out. I do know, however, that I’m able to learn anything I set my mind to, and rather quickly, so it’s a shame when people can’t see the potential resources they have right in front of their noses.

I don’t think I’m ready to move on from this company completely yet. Job security is very important to me, as I’m still working through quite a bit of debt. I don’t think I’m ready to handle the stress that can come with the uncertainty of a new job. I think when I’m able to pay off all my credit card debt and my cash flow is better, I’ll feel a little more comfortable branching out.

In preparation, I’ve spent the past few months going over some ideas I’ve had for what I might want to do next. For instance, I’ve been writing down all the things I’m passionate about in any way, and how they might transform into career opportunities, especially when paired with my current skillset. Some of them will probably remain hobbies or I might determine I don’t want to pursue them at all, and that’s okay. I think just going through this process type of process is important.

I’ve also thought about what I might be willing to pursue if I tried to get a second job for a while to supplement my income. I’ve considered a bookstore I enjoy that’s close to my current job, as well as a job with the closest minor league baseball team, in Florence, KY. I actually got that job, but a more interesting opportunity became available before I was even able to get started.

One of the passions I wrote down during my self-rediscovery process, and one of my goals for the year, was to learn more about wine, beer, and spirits. I already knew I loved these things, but I wanted to start learning more about why a beer or wine tastes a certain way and how that is achieved during the brewing process.

In January, I attended a special brunch at a brewery close to my current apartment. I never realized how close it was to me. The brewery, Fifty West Brewing Pub, had recently began canning three of their flagship beers, and the brunch was in honor of this achievement. The special menu they created for the event was delicious, and the beers were good too.

When I officially decided to go the second job route, Fifty West was one of the first place to pop into my mind. I contacted them, and was able to interview right away. They hired me on the spot, even though I hadn’t served tables about 12 years and probably didn’t come across as the most confidant interviewee!

So far, it has been the best second job choice I could have made. Financially, I make as much in three or four nights per week as I probably would have made the entire month at a bookstore or other retail establishment. It’s also just plain fun. Sure, it gets stressful at times, but everyone works really well together, and I couldn’t have asked for better teammates. Plus, what better perk is there than being able to relax with a Summer Gose while I wrap up my side work?!

2018 Goals Part 5: Find a Job That Makes Me Feel Valued and Pays Me What I’m Worth, Part 1

Wow, it’s been a month! And I’m finally ready to tackle 2018 goal #5: Find a Job That Makes Me Feel Valued and Pays Me What I’m Worth.

I’ve worked at my current job (in accounting) for almost 12 years. I started as a temp in June of 2006 – a week after I moved to Cincinnati for good (third time’s a charm!) – and was hired on “officially” in January of 2007. I work with some amazing people, and I wouldn’t trade that part for the world. I definitely enjoy certain parts of my job too, like the research related aspects; the things that keep my mind focused and engaged.

For a while now, though, I’ve been in a state where my role feels very stagnant. As an accountant, I typically perform the same functions daily, weekly, and monthly, but over the past few months, even my usual job duties have begun to dwindle. This has left me feeling underutilized and undervalued as an employee. I’ve often wondered if they have been winding down my responsibilities so they can eventually get rid of me.

Recently, I’ve been trying to be more proactive, inside and outside of work. For instance, I’ve taken part in many the “Leadership Development” options the company offers, but so far I’m not seeing any results from it (at least as far as it helping my case goes). I do enjoy the classes, so it does give me something to look forward to when I go to work, but I wish I could understand why it seems like they have lost faith in my abilities. We have annual reviews, and my reviews have always been super positive, so I genuinely don’t understand where it comes from or if it even means anything negative. I mean, maybe my perception is off and they do have something planned for me? Either way, all of this has all left me with a significant amount of self-doubt, particularly when it comes to pursuing greener pastures.

I’ve always been too hard on myself. When I do something well, I typically think, “Anyone can do this.” If myself and 100 other people are vying for the same job, we’re likely going to have similar educational backgrounds, and be team players or detail-oriented or great multi-taskers. So I find it difficult to pinpoint what sets me apart from others. This is especially true if I’m if competing for a role in an industry in which I may not have the ideal experience the company is looking for. How will my current skillset translate? What am I great at that other people may not do as well and might make your life easier? I have my MBA, but so far it has just been a glorified and expensive piece of paper.

Historically, I’ve also been the type of perfectionist that has lived by the adage, “If I can’t do this perfectly, I’d rather not do it at all.” This has made me a jack-of-all-trades, master of none type. I feel like I’m ready to branch out now; to fly, but I’m not sure I’m ready for the insecurity that often comes with a new job at a time when I really need to have a steady, stable income to tackle my debt load. I also have an unfortunate amount of debt (oh past mistakes), so presently there’s no way I would be able to take less than I do now. It makes me feel stuck.

So I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what I want out of life with respect to my career, and how I might be able to use the experience I already have to discover my next calling. I know I need to make some proactive changes. I can’t afford, mentally or financially, to let things go on as they have been. But what to do?

People always say, “Do what you love and the rest will follow!” My struggle has usually been that I’m passionate about numerous things, but many of those things are in industries that don’t historically pay well. And I love money! Strangely, I do know accounting is probably not something I want to continue further, at least as far as pursuing my CPA, which is pretty much what you need in order to achieve executive level status these days, at least in a mid to large-sized company. Realistically, accounting was never my first choice, though. At the time I was considering it as an option, it was more of a, “What can I do in order to get out of food service, but still make as much money as possible, as quickly as possible?” I was experiencing food service burn out, and wanted to pursue something a bit more stable, but I didn’t have any interest in restaurant management at the time. Accounting seemed to fit the bill, and be a great skill to possess. It’s an industry that will always be kicking. I don’t hate it. I just long for something a bit more creative and innovative. Something I can feel really passionate about. 

Part 2 coming shortly…

2018 Goals Part 4: Improve My Self-Confidence in All Aspects of My Life

Oh, now this one’s the tough one. A lifelong issue made worse through my constant lack of trust in myself to make the right decisions, especially at the right time. I am soooo insecure and it’s become gross. This issue has affected my career, my relationships, and my ability to create and maintain friendships. It has prevented me from moving forward or letting go of many things in my life, and it’s past due time to change that.

I’m not completely sure where it all stems from. I suppose I can partially blame it on an alcoholic father who became verbally abusive when he drank, though fortunately he was only home on weekends so we probably didn’t get the full effect of his mistreatment. I’m sure the death of one of my best friends at the age of fifteen didn’t help. I have two other theories as well:

1. Perfectionism

My perfectionism emerges most obviously as the comparison of myself to others. “Harry’s painting is so awesome, and mine looks like two birds shit all over a windshield.” “Susie has rock hard abs. She’s naturally beautiful and has a sparkling, go-getter personality. She’s also very kind. Oh no, my boyfriend’s going to drop me as soon as he talks to her!” It doesn’t matter that Harry’s been working on his technique for over 20 years or that Susie has been working out five days a week for the past 3 years (and may have been blessed with certain other traits or attributes from the start) to get that hot bod. I should be able to do that/look like this now.

So maybe more importantly, being a perfectionist causes me to berate myself for not being better. If I’m not perfect, which I consciously realize is impossible, then I have failed. If I ran my best mile, I could have run faster or longer or done it in world record time.

Strangely, my experience with perfectionism has most often played out as a form of mental paralysis. Where other perfectionists are overachieving and still believing they come up short, I have tended to avoid doing anything at all if I don’t believe I can be the best or at least know how to do it well on my first try. I haven’t wanted to put in the work if I won’t ultimately be able to achieve something close to perfection. If I do something well, I tend to write it off as, “anyone could have done that.” I used to pride myself on being a “jack of all trades,” but now I understand that I just never allowed myself to master a one.

2. Overthinking

My mind never shuts down completely. Most often, I’m worried or anxious about something I’ve said or done (or not done). For instance, I’ll replay an event repeatedly in my mind to analyze how it could have turned out if I had done this or that differently. Even simple decisions become more complicated because I want to weigh out every possible scenario in my mind before I take action. The uncertainties of life cripple me. I constantly second-guess myself or play out “what-if” scenarios in my mind, typically ones with negative outcomes. My inner critic kicks my ass on a daily basis.

I think coming up with such theories is extremely helpful in understanding what’s brought you to a certain place. At some point, though, you have to take responsibility for the fact that you’re almost 38 years old and you’re still letting these issues, particularly ones related to the past, hold you back. We can’t change what has happened to us, or the mistakes we've made along the way, but we can always strive to be better, to do better, for ourselves and for the other people we choose to allow into our lives.

I’ve been thinking a lot about ways in which I can overcome these confidence and self-esteem issues, and slay my insecurity. I feel like I’m halfway there. I believe half the battle is in consciously understanding yourself and where things are going wrong or holding you back. Only then can you create an action plan for moving forward. I’m not sure I know exactly everything I need to move forward yet, but I have some basic ideas for where I can start:

• Write more. It has always helped me discover and re-discover myself and it makes me feel accomplished because I’m always referring to myself as a writer, but I’ve been a wannabe for a very long time. I’d like to ultimately write fiction, but for now, my renewed blog is helping me make writing a habit.
• Read more. I used to read all the time. A lot of fiction and non-fiction. I think I need to get back to this. I’d like to read some classics and teach myself some new things. Maybe I’ll read some self-help guru type of stuff. The goal is to to keep my mind distracted on something positive.
• Pep Talks. Ted Talks? YouTubes? Dave Ramsey podcasts? There are different perspectives out there for everything. I know none of these things can make the change, but I’ve found that you sometimes need some little piece of advice at the right time and it ends up setting you off on a new journey.
• Keep putting myself out there. I need to take small risks so I can gain a bit of confidence to work up to the bigger ones. Sometimes I’d like to be that person who jumps right in without a second thought, but baby steps for now. I have to learn to trust myself first.

Getting healthier and stronger, plus continuing to meet new people through my Meetup adventures, should also go a long way in helping me feel like myself again, or better yet, becoming the person I’m meant to be.